


Hiccups

by JoAsakura



Category: Saints Row
Genre: M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-08
Updated: 2014-08-08
Packaged: 2018-02-12 08:13:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2102163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoAsakura/pseuds/JoAsakura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even the leader of the saints gets the hiccups.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hiccups

“ _Hic_ ~Blood _HIC_ fuck _HIC_ HELL!!!”

Across the penthouse, the Saints watched their leader with growing concern.

"We have to do something about this." Angel rumbled softly, as if talking to himself. "He sounds like an adorable baby bunny when he hiccups."

Pierce and Shaundi exchanged a concerned glance. “First off, we gonna talk later about how you’re getting ‘cute’ out of..” Pierce started.

“ _hic_ FUCKME! _HIC_ ”

"…out of that." He finished.

"No we’re not." Angel said with a scowl.

Pierce took a single beat. “Fair enough. Secondly you’re right. We can’t let people see him like this.”

"He ran down the street naked one day with you chasing after him, telling him he had to put on pants before he saw the mayor." Kinzie rubbed her face.

"But he didn’t have the hiccups. That just makes it farcical." Pierce snapped.

"Fine. We’ll stick a bag over his head and be done with it." Viola rolled her eyes.

"You breathe into a bag when you’re hyperventilating!" Shaundi hissed at her. "You don’t stick a bag over someone’s head!!!"

Viola’s face grew distant. “That actually explains a lot.”

Before Pierce could say anything in horror, Oleg stepped up. “Fine. We frighten the hiccups out him.”

Viola shook her head, clearly putting the bag thought aside. “I watched him jump out of one airplane onto another airplane, then drive a tank out of THAT airplane. How do you scare someone like that?”

"Plus, Boss’s got reflexes like a snake, poor fucker sneaks up on him, they’re gonna be dead." Pierce fidgeted with his hat.

"And then he’ll feel bad and still have the hiccups." Shaundi shook her head.

"I will do it. Angel will distract him, and I will frighten the hiccups out of him." Oleg nodded firmly. "I can be terrifying."

"He headbutted one of your clones to death." Angel scowled harder.

"It will be fine." Oleg said, suddenly unsure.

**PHASE 1: The Enfrightening**

"So, some of my contacts hooked me in with an underground fight club." Angel said as casually as he could, what with Oleg creeping up behind the Boss like a giant, silent, potato-faced ninja. "Figured we could could.. you know, do dinner and a show. There’s a hot-dog cart nearby."

"Yea _HIC_. That’d beee _hichichic_ FUCKME~sorryangel _HIC_ " Adam pressed his lips together, chest still heaving with hiccups as Oleg suddenly roared behind him.

Several things happened. Across the penthouse, one of the street-level soldiers, in for a sandwich, screamed and passed out. A window shattered. The TV fell off the wall. And Oleg was on the floor, Adam’s fist firmly in his face.

"OLEG!" Adam let him go, slightly horrified. "What the _HIC_ fuck, mate?”

"That was like getting hit by car. Maybe frightening does not work."

“ _Hic_.”

**PHASE 2: The Enbaggening**

They all looked at him, sitting on the couch with a paper bag over his head, hiccuping.

"I told you this was a stupid idea." Shaundi threw up her hands and walked off.

"You have to admit it’s at least an improvement!" Viola yelled after her.

**PHASE 3: The Ensweetening**

"When my babies had the hiccups, we always put a bit of sugar under the tongue." Zimos crooned, rooting through the kitchen cabinets.

"You mean, your… girls?" Pierce offered as the old man came strutting back.

"I meaaaan my baaaabiesss. I got five kids and fourteen graaaandkiiiids." Zimos warbled back.

"Am I only one who finds this worrying?" Oleg said to no one in particular.

"Ok, Boss, open widdeee. Here comes the candymaaan." the elderly pimp wiggled a spoon heaped with white crystals in front of Adam.

"O _HIC_ fer fucks _HIC_ sake, Zimos.” Adam rolled his eyes and yanked the spoon away to stick the sugar under his tongue.

Peirce looked down at the container just as he did. “ZIMOS THIS IS RAT POISON!” He squawked.

"My EyEsight ain’t what it used t’be, baby." Zimos shrugged.

"No, salright. I’ll be _HIC_ fine.” Adam slurred as he passed out on the coffee table with a thunk.

**PHASE 4: One Last Chance  
**

Adam sat on the couch, knees drawn up, hiccuping resentfully as Kinzie suggested a series of possible solutions drawn from some sections of the internet he wished he’d never learned about. Angel patted his shoulder awkwardly.

"Ok. That’s it.  I’m calling Jimmy." Pierce threw up his hands.

"WHAT?! _hic_ " Adam shot off the couch. "You are not calling Jimmy FUCKING Torbitson!"

"Whoa, if anyone’s gonna figure out a way to cure your ass it’s gonna be Jimmy Fucking Torbitson." Pierce countered angrily.

"JIMMY FUCKING TORBITSON’S THE REASON WE HAVE AN EIGHT FOOT CLONE OF JOHNNY WANDERING THE CITY. JIMMY FUCKING TORBITSON SHOT ME UP WITH IRRADIATED ENERGY DRINK. HE MADE ME USE A BEE GUN!" Adam shouted.

"YOU HAD SUPERPOWERS, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Pierce yelled back as the rest of the crew, exchanged concerned looks.

"EVERYTHING TASTED LIKE ROOFING TAR FOR A WEEK AFTERWARDS. NO WE ARE NOT CALLING JIMMY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BLOODY TORBITSON!" Adam roared, then fell silent at his friend’s smug face. "What?"

"Hiccups are gone." Pierce said with an infuriating little grin. "And for the record, you totally did not sound like an adorable baby bunny."

"Who the fuck said I sounded like a bunny rabbit?" Adam blinked, confused.

“ _No one_.” Angel growled as he pulled up his hood. “C’mon. Hot dogs and violence.” Adam let him take him by the arm and half-drag him towards the elevator.

"I’m so confused."

"Fair enough." Pierce said, cracking open a saints flow, grin growing just a little wider.


End file.
